Renata Ramos
”I would rather die than to not live my truth.”
Renata was born and raised in the Department of Canelones, Uruguay. She lived in a town of two thousand people, where as she says being transgender wasn’t even a taboo, as it wasn’t even known about…She recounts a story from her childhood: “I remember at the age of four, I was playing with dolls, and my mom said: ‘What are you doing?’ and I said ‘I’m playing with Monica and my sister, we’re playing dolls,’ and she said, ‘Okay, play for a while’, they were very understanding, ‘but then go back to your own toys.’ And I closed my eyes and I said, please God, make me into a little girl, you can make me into a little girl. And I opened my eyes and I ran to the mirror and I looked, and I was still a little boy… The first time I saw this [a transgender person] was on Donahue: they were a tennis player who had transitioned into a woman, and I said to my parents, ‘that’s me.’ And of course, they were like, ‘oh, we need to take you to a therapist,’ because they didn’t understand at that time. Yeah, they weren’t the parents that they are today.”
Renata poses for a shoot.
Renata had been modeling and acting for 44 years before she transitioned.
Renata presented as a gay man most of her life. She says even though she doesn’t identify with him anymore, she’s still proud of him: “I was Mr. Gay Maryland and top ten Mr. America. I worked in television and soap operas, so I would never erase him from my life. He’s part of my history. But this is what I identify with. Some girls just burn all pictures, which is fine too. Everyone transitions in their own way… “ Renata was always afraid of her social group finding out that she was transgender. She says it was already a huge scandal when she came out as gay and moved in with her partner, so she knew being transgender would be another one. Renata spoke to us about HIV and recounted stories of her friends being victim of it: “I had to buy a suit for work, and I asked my partner: Should I get the gray one or the black one?’ He said ‘get the black one, because you can use it for work and you can use it for all the funerals that we go to.’ It was devastating. Some people wouldn’t call and you find out in the newspaper that they had died, or they’d be all covered in sorrow walking down the street. People now can have sex and protect themselves with pills, but in those days, there was nothing. There was no cure. And people didn’t even want to touch you, you know, even the nurses.”
Renata didn’t transition most of her life because she was acting and she was scared it would affect her career. She was scared that her only option would be working in the sex industry, and knew she couldn’t do that. She transitioned at 56, after she had already retired and had lived her life. She had been acting for 44 years, and then she thought it was time, but didn’t think it would happen in this lifetime: “ At first, I thought that maybe if I was reincarnated I could live it in another life, but I was sure that I would never live that in this life. But then I had a stroke, and I was in a coma for three and a half months, and the doctors told my family, let him die because if he wakes up, he’s going to be a vegetable…” When she woke up she told her parents that she had taken her first hormone injection. They were scared that if she transitioned she would have a stroke again, but Renata told her mother: ”I would rather die than to not live my truth.”
“I would rather die than not live my truth.”
Renata, pre-transition, modeling.
Renata’s father was a photographer who had a small studio in her hometown. He was the only photographer there, and was able to document the history of the families, the weddings, the baptisms. Renata says she has thousands of pictures by him, and one day, she plans to put them all together and make a book which she will donate to the library in her hometown. When speaking about the importance of photography, Renata says that to photograph is to identify: “Many people think that we’re hiding in the dark. And they don’t realize that we are very desired by men. We’re almost a fetish. Well not almost, We are a fetish… Because it’s not an easy life journey. Not anyone can take it. So I want them to see the comradery that we have. We celebrate the holidays together. We empower each other. We call each other. I want them to know that we have a life. And the way to do that is to photograph.”
Renata emphasized the importance of Trans visibility: “They always speak about the surgeries, the hormones, but there’s a lot more to that. They must emphasize the fact that this is not an easy thing. You don’t just put on a dress and walk out into the street… They should photograph, for instance, my girlfriend, who just had her face done. They should photograph her with the bandages and the scars and the black and blues, so that people can see what we have to go through and the pain that we have to go through to become what we identify…” Renata believes it's most important to capture Trans women through their transition, to show how hard they have to work for it: “we have to have many surgeries, breasts, faces, some people just have a mustache and a beard, and they put on a dress and they’re comfortable with that. And more power to them. Yeah, everybody transitions in their own way.”
Renata highlights the importance of documenting your transition journey - “Everybody transitions in their own way.”
Renata has fought mental illness most her life, going through heavy depression. She recounted stories from last year, when she had depression for a year and a half: “I stayed in bed 24 hours, waiting, thinking every hour. Imagine what that’s like. And I would sometimes put on my clothes and go to the Friday meeting with the girls. But then I got home and I got right in bed. A year and a half in bed with my mother dying of cancer and, um, just not being able to get out and even pour myself a drink of water. I just didn’t want to. And I wanted to die. I had pills right next to my bed, and I wanted to take them and just end my life. I was hoping that I would get cancer so I could just go and stop suffering, and I just didn’t want my parents to know that I had committed suicide… I just wanted somebody to help me, in some way. And, you know, so many people will say to you, oh, come on, get over it. Life is so great. Why don’t we just get out? If we could get over it, we would do it. But we just can’t get over it. It doesn't work. The peace of mind that I have now is that if I’m ever there again, I know that I can get through it. It won’t ever catch me like that. Ever. That’s what I finally realized.”